Rough start may not be the best way to describe what is happening right now. Total grief and exhaustion and being entirely drained may be a better, more accurate description. On the real New Years Eve, my grandmother, who has been bravely battling cancer (more on that in a future post) for months, said she not longer wanted to wake up, she asked for a priest and wanted the pain to end. We thought that would be it, that she would leave us that night. Her color changed, she was breathing differently, she was ready to go. However, around the time that the east coast was counting down to the new year, she perked up, she wanted to eat and I held her hand as we rang in the new year in two time zones just to the east. For the next couple of days, she had moments of rest where she wanted no one to be with her and had moments of visiting, YATZEE, and what we had been considering normal for the past several weeks. On Monday evening, she decided to remove her oxygen. We thought at the time because of how weak she was that it would only be a matter of hours before she took her last breath and had her last moment of pain. We gathered all of the family together and each of us in our own way told her that we loved her and that we would be OK and that it was time for her to move on. The family (which consists of about 20+) spent the entire night sitting by her side holding her hand, singing, praying and remembering stories of our amazing G-ma. Throughout the next 45 hours we held a vigil by her side and in the house, many of us not sleeping more than a couple of hours during that whole time. She finally peacefully drew her last breath with no more pain around 4pm on Wednesday afternoon. Of course we are all saddened by the loss of Gma, but we know that she is no longer in pain and that she prepared us well to carry on in her honor.
During the time that we were together it was amazing to see that her grandchildren and great grandchildren were the ones that were driving the vigil. We held her hand, stayed with her, sang to her, talked to her and told her that we would carry on all the things that we had learned. We laughed and cried and remembered and I know that she would have wanted it that way. She would have wanted us all together, not fighting, not carrying on with our own lives and not thinking much about the others which is what tends to happen in big families. She would have wanted cousins that normally wouldn't necessarily say they love each other, not because we don't, but because it may not be the coolest thing to say, to say it out loud, embrace and hold hands through this difficult time. She would have wanted us to spend the time that we needed but then when the time came realize that she wouldn't want any one of us to see her take her last breath and leave her to be with the hospice nurse to be at peace. She would have wanted us to take care of each other and carry on with a sense of humor, be as brave as she was and honor our blended family. My grandmother was an amazingly loving and welcoming woman. Of the people holding vigil for her were step grandchildren, in laws, friends, the mother of her great granddaughter and family alike. She loved us all, welcomed us all and taught us all that there are no labels when you call someone family. I hope to carry on this unconditional love in my life and teach my children to do the same.
I will end for now saying that our family will dearly miss my grandmother Betty, who we liked to call Gma. She is joining my grandfather (Walter aka Skip), who we lost about 6 years ago. We have been discussing the sentiment to put on their shared headstone and my vote still goes to...
"Betty got her Skip back"
If anyone out there has influence on the voting system of the Buck family, make this happen. I know that our creative, somewhat humorous tribute to them both will be the talk of Ft. Logan cemetery, maybe even win an award, if one such award category exists.
As I look to the new New Years Day, at least for this girl and this year, I have chosen a word as others around blog nation do each New Year. This year my word is
LIVE.
This year I will...Live with Intention
Live Each Moment
Live healthfully
Live Creatively
Live with Focus
Live Bravely
Live the Journey
Live Joyfully
Live Lovingly
Live Happily
Live Peacefully
Live Out Loud
Live to Learn
Live to Explore
Live Simply
Live for family
Today I finally took down my Christmas decorations, appropriate because I usually do that on around New Years. I took some pictures before it all came down. I'll share my favorite.
And that's all for now, HAPPY NEW YEAR, 1-11-11!!
